Issue 184, page 5
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That's Nice, Bacchus!
A speech by Barry Marin
Well, Yes. I became a polytheist because I have a scientific mind. I
looked at the evidence: Teats on men. Nose hair. EAR hair! The Krebs cycle. This body has all the earmarks of something designed by a
COMMITTEE! And I know women were involved. Because, let's face it: If a MAN had invented MEN, my balls would not be where they are. They'd
be in my chest, or my skull, somewhere SAFE. My real problem is that they let the trickster
gods into it. Like farting. You KNOW farting was Pan's idea. It's just exactly his style.
I can just picture the animal design committee in my mind. There's Hermes in the corner, making insect after insect after insect. They're small, they fly, they're annoying. Perfect!
So Artemis wanted something to hunt them: invented the Wren. Aphrodite didn't think that was pretty enough: invented the Bluebird. Ares thought that was too tame: made the Hawk. Zeus thought that was too small: invented the Falcon. Poseidon had to top that: created the Eagle. Athena put her twist on the idea: invented the Owl. Hera wanted something more practical: invented the Chicken. That was too ugly for Aphrodite: made the Peacock. Zeus wanted bigger chickens: created the Turkey. And Bacchus chimed in: "Ok, ok! It's a chicken. A BIG chicken! A REALLY big chicken! And it's got a looonnngg neck!" "Looks too big to fly, Bacchus." "It don't fly, it runs really fast!" "That's nice, Bacchus."
So then, we know Poseidon created the Horse. Aphrodite didn't think that was pretty enough: made the Gazelle. Hera wanted something more practical again: created the Cow. Zeus made it bigger: invented the Ox. Poseidon had to top THAT: invented the Elephant. Cows weren't fierce enough for Ares: made the Leopard. Which Zeus wanted bigger: created the Lion. Which now Artemis had to top: invented the tiger. And Bacchus: "Right! So it's a horse, a BIG horse! And it's got a looonnngg neck; And ORANGE POLKA DOTS!" "That's nice, Bacchus." And it went on.
Athena made Fish for Poseidon. Zeus made them bigger: created Whales. Poseidon returned the favor: invented Rabbits for Athena's Owls. Aphrodite wanted them softer: made Chinchillas. And, of course, Bacchus: "Ok, So; it's a looonnngg neck!" "How many feet does it have, Bacchus?" "It's got no feet! It's just a loooonnng neck. Slithering on the ground!" "That's nice, Bacchus." And so it went.
If you listen carefully and observe the world around you, you begin to hear the music of creation. And it's not the monotone, monotonous march of a monotheistic deity. What single god would bother to invent 9000 different kinds of Frog? No, that music is Jazz! One idea bouncing off another, and taking off in a new direction. Riffs; and variations on themes, and variations of the variations. Obviously a group effort! Until finally, Bacchus, from deep in his cups: "Platypus!" "THAT'S NICE BACCHUS!!!"
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